Much of the dating advice I’ve gotten through the years includes how to prevent myself from being hurt. If I trust him too quickly, he will take advantage. If I show that I like him too much, he will quickly lose interest. If he seems too good to be true, he probably is. That kind of advice can make dating feel more like a warning label than a chance at connection. It teaches caution before trust. It also makes it easy to second-guess every good feeling.

As a girl of Irish descent, my skin is very pale and has a tendency to turn bright red at the slightest provocation. I’m also Italian, but all I managed to get from this side is my grandmother’s nose rather than some nice olive skin. I spent much of middle school hiding in the bathroom to avoid classmates who wanted to see exactly how red I could get. Even embarrassment seemed to announce itself before I did. I knew there was no hiding it, which only made it worse.

Because of my red face, I’ve never been able to hide much, and I’m not a good liar. That could make me a great target in the world of dating, so I learned to protect myself by not wearing my heart on my sleeve. I wouldn’t say “I love you” first, I wouldn’t normally ask a guy out, and I wouldn’t offer my number before he asked for mine. Keeping my emotions hidden gave me a sense of control. It felt safer to stay guarded than to risk being exposed. I thought reserve would keep me from getting hurt

The problem with my need for control was the unintended result: I tended to push people away. They thought I was cold or uninterested, when really I was just trying to prevent my face from betraying how I felt. Once I allowed myself to be more open, more genuine men came my way. It wasn’t easy, but the result was a much happier and more rewarding dating life. I still had to take chances and trust a few people too quickly. But being open made real connection possible.